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It’s a long answer, and I hope you’ll bear with me. Just me goofing around in between taking my next book jacket photo, but some of the outtakes seem pretty relevant to my response. I gained all that weight because I was so busy working and growing as a person, a writer, an actor, a comedian, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a lover, an activist (hi Emily’s List and Humanity for Hillary and Los Angeles LGBT Center! ) that I didn’t have time to pursue what I really, really want to do: spend my precious spare moments making anonymous comments on the blogs of successful, beautiful, hardworking women in a failed attempt to undermine them in order to give me some sense of power as I marinate in my own inadequacy, stuck in the knowledge that no one will ever pay me to write my poorly-crafted thoughts down on paper, to be translated into book or film or television form, and that beyond money (which of course doesn’t lend my thoughts any inherent value) or any degree of fame (which is pointless and wholly unnecessary to a happy and fulfilling existence) no one will ever really want to hear what I have to say at all, because I am essentially worthless and of no value to the world at large. This very post has been viewed over 575,000 times in just six days.
So, if you’d been wanting to hop onto that treadmill for days or do those crunches, voila, you got a workout buddy, matey! They can have that ohh-so-sexy strut about the kitchen while some really yum dishes get spread out on the table. Especially during those long, chilly wintry nights when everything is nippy. Third, if you are going down and lift our over-a-buck-ninety b*tt cheeks to snack up – well, you have a meal and a workout combo rolled-in-one.
All you gotta do is snuggle up with us – and ooh – warmth… 😉 And of course, there’s no bones about it – your bone’s gonna get some meat and how. Second, the body slamming can be dished out and we can sure as hell take it. Don’t believe me, watch your biceps flex and pump next time!
First things first, thank you for not threatening to rape me! That’s the first part of my answer to your question about why I gained all that weight. Update August 30, 2016: 12 days in and 630,000 views for this essay.