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While people outside the relationship might perceive that as unfair—one gets to cheat, the other doesn't—what's more ideal than both halves of a couple getting just what they want?

But if an eroticized power imbalance—an honestly erotized one—doesn't turn you on, the creepily manipulative arrangement your husband is proposing certainly isn't going to work.

After trying some new arrangements—only together, only at sex parties, DADT—he realized he wasn't comfortable with any situation.

He told our therapist that every time I hooked up with someone, he was retraumatized because it reminded him of the time I broke up with him for six months 20 years ago.

You're a handsome couple—thanks for enclosing the lovely picture (sometimes it's nice to see the face of the person I'm responding to!

)—with a long history together, and here's hoping things work out.

So long as your husband thinks he can dictate terms by pointing to his triggers and his trauma, GMHC, he has every incentive to continue being triggered and traumatized.

Not one-night-stand scenarios, but longer-term connections. These have included what turned into a one-year affair with a single woman, a three-year affair with a close friend of my wife, a seven-month affair with a married coworker, and now a fairly serious four-months-and-counting relationship with a woman who approached me on Instagram. I love her, we get along great, and the sex is good—if I wasn't such a lying piece of shit, you could even say we make a pretty good team.

Instead, women who knew I was in an "exclusive" relationship have approached me.

So with your couples therapist there to mediate, tell him your marriage is either open or closed.

You're not interested in being his cuckold and he can't point to his trauma to force you into that role.

I'm a liar, a cheat, a user, and a manipulator—and it just keeps happening. You turned them into affairs by continuing to show up. Zooming out: If all it takes for some rando to get her hands on your otherwise committed cock is to DM you on Instagram, you have no business making monogamous commitments.